Dear Tristram,


As you are the world’s greatest Common Sense Guru, could you please help me think in a more common sense way about this elephant thing which Ricky Gervais is crying about.

Ivor Yoluna

THE ELEPHANT PROBLEM

 

 

No problem Ivor, but readers may not like the answer. Ricky Gervais (a talented man, but still a bit silly) has just said that he’s very upset that good old Donald Trump, (not Sutherland; or Duck) has just lifted the blocks on the import of elephant trophies. What is wrong with that? What is wrong with trophies being imported to give to elephant’s owners at events like Trunks; the elephant owner’s equivalent of Crufts?
They’re made in sweat shops abroad; but so are just about everything else we consume here; so it’s common sense to farm out the work to Tin Smiths overseas (please don’t read that as Tim Smith, as he’s an accountant in the city).
Just joking as I, being the world’s only and therefore greatest common sense guru, I am allowed to use humour.


So, the proper answer, is … nothing! There is nothing wrong with Mr Trumps plan.  
For a start, they destroy landscapes, despite Elephants Keep Out signs that have been posted; which is just not on; they have NO respect for property. The biggest point though is the poor, downtrodden British working-class people. Those members of this social group who have children, can’t afford to go on safari and it is far too dear to go to the zoo, so wouldn’t it be better to get some elephant heads for example and get some kind, government sponsored people to drive them around working class areas and let the poor children stroke the ‘real’ skin heads and touch the ivory tusks. Wouldn’t this be mega educational and let the poor see something up close they will never see in the wild? Poor kids whose parents can only afford to go to Butlins at Bognor Regis once every two years will find that there are no elephants running wild there … just piss heads from London (and their parents).
So, you see Mr Gervais, the one sure way to stop people hunting elephants is to officially kill all the elephants. Just think, a big juggernaut truck could be made out as an elephant natural history museum where elephants organs could be put in tanks of formaldehyde and shown off just like Damian Hirst’s shark. Entry prices would be £10.00 to look at common animals and £30.00 to look at endangered and newly extinct species. It’s happening anyway so why not educate your children and allow some people to make money and have hunters enjoy finishing species off?


Common sense isn’t it?


What about killing a few elephants and framing a square inch of skin from each of them and then selling these framed skins to lucky families, through a lottery, whose poor, deprived kids will never see an elelphant; never mind touch one. The kids can then boast to each other that they have touched a ‘real’ elephant’s skin (the parents can also get a ‘my child is in University’ size boast). This will make them feel good (parent and child) and add to their natural history tactile education. At ten pounds a framed skin piece, this would also be a marvellous boost to the economy … common sense!
Just ask yourself this: If all elephants disappeared tomorrow, would it change your life in negative fashion? If you answered yes?

Well, I mean … really?

There you go Ivor, I hope you feel better now Tristram Goodman WGCSG

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