By Les D Mclusky, Eskimo expert.

People in this country are always whingeing because of the cultural diversity and difference which is created from those from foreign lands arriving here by the tube i.e. the one which runs under the sea from France.
It could be a lot worse though i.e. those from France who don’t like the staple diet of snails could very easily come running through the tunnel themselves. Snails aren’t a delicacy in France; it just seemed like a good idea for gardeners to make a few bob from pest control i.e. tell the British they’re a delicacy here. As a result the French also have plenty of cabbages and lettuces, but alas, very few romantic silver trails on the garden path.
This Eskimo influx was first detected at car boot sales. Normally, if the stallholder was selling items from one pound to twenty pounds, they would witness a person picking something up, putting it in their bag and saying “Here, I geev you tventy p for it. Here, here take money! patecko neganta milon (you English pig).”
Ah! What fun!

But, the Eskimos having had a meeting in the shadows of a huge oil refinery and a fracking plant, sat on two dead polar bears (serve them right for eating oil soaked penguins) decided that Britain is the place to be as they have wanted for a long time to sample Polski sklep sauerkraut and snails. So, a while back, they decided to sneak in somewhat differently since hearing that here also, you don’t have to freeze your nuts off catching dinner and don’t have to suffer your arse sticking to the loo every time you went to rid yourself of a seal blubber number two.

You will have noticed the increasing number of dodgy people walking around with cute yet mean looking huskies on leads? Well, fifty percent of these dogs are actually Eskimos in fancy dress. People who buy them fully grown from Paul O Grady’s shed i.e. Battersea Dog Rescue Centre report going to their ‘luxury’ loo for a MacDonald’s flavoured number two and when they come back downstairs find that someone (or something ... aliens?) has skinned their dog and buggered off with all of its meat and innards. What no one understands (especially the police) is what the label is on the inside of the skin which says in Norwegian ... ‘Greenland Husky Costumes’ and gives washing instructions. Well, at least the Eskimo shuts the front door when they leave. The rest of the husky costumes which people take for walks are actually huskies. It’s a well organised setup. Later, the Eskimo contacts the real husky owner and gets their dog back.

Experts say that what they are up to is making luxury shopping in a supermarket easier i.e. soon they will be standing on the back of the shopping trolley shouting mush as the husky pulls. They will find the frozen food section kind of familiar, although no Eskimo has ever been out hunting on the top of the frozen sea and found a packet of frozen peas (unless they know where there is a missing frozen luxury cruise liner with a well stocked kitchen larder).

This husky trolley pulling can be problematic in the car park when the husky tends to speed up to get an exciting ride with its head stuck out of the back seat window. The shopping trolley’s dodgy wheel pulls in the other direction and as a result, several Eskimos have been thrown into the next door B&Q/ Currys carpark/ territory; it is no fun picking all the shopping up and is not very nice picking brussel sprouts or carrots out of a bin (mind you, the bin is probably empty and all the crap on the floor, a very British pastime).

But, we can learn from these people just as we learnt to make curry when the wonderful Indian people turned up; who also allow us to shop on Christmas day so we can buy more luxuries to force feed ungrateful relatives and ‘family’.
Or the Chinese or the Polish ... what would we do without them?
Or the Turkish, or the Latvians? Australians? Do we count Geordies and Scottish who have snook in?
The biggest enemies of the English are the English.
The biggest enemies of the English are the Scottish, French, Germans etc., etc.

Just think, you want a proper pair of gloves but good ones are expensive. An Eskimo can teach you to buy a haddock fillet and chew the skin until it is soft pliable leather, from which you can make waterproof gloves. The raw fish will also be good for you although it’s probably best not to French kiss anyone for a while after eating.
Has a French person ever dumped their partner for not wanting to English kiss because they found slippery snails slopping around their gob and tonsils unappetising?

You want a great winter coat? Easy. With your hired Eskimo, climb to the roof of the shopping arcade on the night before Christmas Eve, and when they turn up with the reindeer to satisfy the curiosity of city kids who haven’t got a clue, drop down the lasso rope, lasso one by the antlers, lift it and make your escape. You will have to have strong teeth and jaws for this as a reindeer hide is a lot more difficult to work than a haddock hide; a good tip is to practice with those liquorice root sticks). Also, you will have enough meat to fill the freezer and a load of useful bones.


Eskimos, when they kiss like to do it with their noses. It’s a bit boring as French Kissing with noses isn’t easy unless you have a long tongue with which you can shove up their nostril while rubbing snitches.
However, British people can enter for the Miss or Mister Nose competition and become Mr or Miss Nose-World.  This is a competition devised by Eskimos to celebrate beautiful noses; obviously very important to them especially in the production of little Eskimo walrus killers.
A traditional honour of the Eskimo Beautiful Nose competition is that the winner gets to wear a nose frame to show off the winning snitch. Follow the link